The Plan
The Plan is set … One blog entry per week for the next 52 weeks. I declared it on May 9th, and now the “Planner” in me is working through the weeds What day of the week will I post? What topic should I talk about first? Now, as I’m getting ready for bed on May 20th, (11 days after launching my blog) I need to figure out how I’m going to add writing on this blog to my schedule. My life did not miraculously get more time when I launched the blog last week. I did not instantly have a clear focus of what I want to write about because I set the plan. So, I’m stuck in the weeds (the old Marci) and I’m telling myself… well, it’s not the right time, start next Monday or start after Memorial Day, or start June 1st etc… (This is exactly what I do when I start diets) But the weeds will not take over this time!
I love a plan… I love a blueprint. My life feels calm when I have an idea of how the day, week, month, and year are going to go. I welcome fun surprises, and I can deal with life’s hiccups. But I love to plan.
As I began cancer treatment, I also had to have a plan set. I knew every 3 weeks I would have chemo. I learned, during the chemo appointment, I enjoyed talking to people, but when I got home I crashed. (Thanks Benadryl). The next 2 days I was tired, but felt OK, but, I knew I needed to hang on because days 4-8…. those were really bad days. Then as I rounded toward day 9, I knew days 10-20 were great. Those last 10 days I felt good, I enjoyed food, I had energy to work and even go to my kids activities… So, I had a plan for how life would go during chemo every 21 days.
Then…. the routine took a major detour. After round 3 of chemo, reality hit me. And this reality was… Chemo might not work. The cancer might continue to grow, and I might die. This is something I did not want to think about, but the planner in me would not let this reality go. So, I started planning for what would happen if treatment did not work…. I had to make a plan for where was I going to die. I did not want to die in my bedroom, but I also did not want to die in the living room. I felt dying at home would leave scars for Steve and the boys when they were in that room after I was gone. But I also did not want to go to a nursing home. So, where does a 42 year old die? Things got dark, and I could not get this plan figured out. Luckily, Dr. Avery’s sweet nurse called to check in on me. I was crying a lot that week. I remember telling her is “I can’t stop thinking about dying.” She said, “We are here to treat all of you, not just your cancer…. can I talk to Dr. Avery about giving you something to calm down?” YES PLEASE!
When Steve got home from work that night, I was ready to talk to him about my fears and I knew we could work together to figure out where I would die if chemo did not work. Keep in mind, when it comes to husbands, I hit the jackpot. Steve has a way of always knowing if I need a hug or if I need a swift kick to help me snap out of it (Whatever emotion “it” is). So we went on a walk, and I told him I was really worried about where I would die if chemo did not work.. Steve did EXACTLY what I needed him to do. He did not miss a beat, and he simply said… “Well, I’ll set you up in a bed in the back shed, cut out a window, so all your friends can drive by and wave goodbye to you” - And then he said…. “You are not on hospice, you are not dying today, so we’ll cross that bridge when and if we get to it.” Instant laughter… how do you not laugh at that! That is what I needed to get back to the original plan of fighting cancer.
So, back to the plan for the blog. I will write 52 blog posts in the next 52 weeks. It will take a few weeks to find my new schedule and figure out what days are best to write. Some weeks might have 2 entries, some weeks might have none. This is something that has been on my heart for a long time and I want to tell my stories. And, boy, I have stories…From 17 blind dates, to marriage, children, to trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up … I also want to use this blog to figure out how I can use my life experiences to help people. So that is my plan, here we go!